Thursday, August 18, 2005

I have tasted the future...

I popped in to the Japanese supermarket for Hot Garlic Shrimp Chips the other day, and discovered the Calorie Mate. Labelled as "Balanced Food," the Calorie Mate Block is described as the nutritionally balanced source of easy energy for people on the go. Surely this is the future of food. Japan has brought us the robotic dog (if your real dog sucks then just get a machine instead), the PlayStation 2 (if your wife/girlfriend sucks then just get a machine instead), and the pill that makes your bowel movements odorless so as to not offend the toilet that is quite frankly smarter than most of my classmates at Amherst, seeing as how it possesses the intelligence required to flush. Finally, an advancement in food technology on par with the advancements in the eventual receptacles of that food. The Calorie Mate is so futuristic, so incredibly ahead of its time, that Otsuka Pharmaceutical Co. Ltd. has not felt the need to update the ingredients in the past 22 years that it's been available on the market. It even contains margarine which, Scientologists have informed me, will completely replace butter within the next ten years. The other ingredients include wheat flour, soy protein, wheat protein, cocoa powder, and almond...all much less offensive than Calorie Mate's futuristic foodstuff cousin, Soylent Green. So how does the future taste? Like nothing, nothing at all. In the future we won't have time for such petty distractions as "flavor" while we're piloting our flying Hondas and cleaning up after our robotic dogs. As for it's nutritional benefits, I really couldn't tell you. I didn't have any of Otsuka Pharmaceutical's other futuristic product, Pocari Sweat, to wash it down with, so i settled for an Asahi. That pretty much negated any nutritional benefits there might have been.

Interestingly enough...all food in the future will resemble Walker's Shortbread.

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